Not Afraid to Try

Fear. It holds us back from big things and little things, from life-changing, difficult decisions to small daily choices. Fear stops us from making a phone call or sending an email. It stops us from applying for a dream job, speaking up when something is wrong, initiating conversation. It stops us from wearing our prettiest outfit, trying a new haircolor or hairstyle, traveling somewhere exotic.

For artists, fear makes us hold on to beautiful fabrics and papers that are too pretty to cut. It makes us afraid to go further with a design or painting for fear of ruining it. It stops us from using the really good watercolor paper. Fear makes many of us work small, keeps us from making large bold strokes on giant canvases.

When I saw Gwen Lafluer's stencil called "Not Afraid" the words called to me. In my life, fear kept me from trying and doing many things. For a long time, panic disorder controlled me--an unseen force, a petrifying, reasonless fear ran through me and ran my life. It nearly kept me from a career as an artist. As an adult, I am constantly pushing myself through fear and making myself move forward.

I tried using Gwen's stencil several ways. I knew they were powerful words, yet the pieces and journal pages didn't do the words justice.

This piece has a background collage of vintage sewing items, and reflects my interest in fashion design--a path I was afraid to try. The purple stenciled floral shapes represent overcoming fear, and my resulting career as a fabric designer.

A journal test page with the Afraid to Try stencil and the Scribble X mask.

An unfinished journal page, testing the Art Deco Peacock Feather and sections of the Afraid to Try stencil.

This is a collage of random papers, handwritten thoughts (on the underlying page) about overcoming my claustrophobia and fear during a recent MRI.

As I was cleaning my art space one Saturday morning, I found an abstract painting that I had made a few years ago. It had started with a piece of 12" x 12" cardboard packaging from saved from some commercial scrapbook paper. I had covered it with gesso. When it was dry, I carefully peeling the paint skins off my craft mat and adhering them with matte medium. It was done pretty randomly and instinctively. I wasn't sure if it was finished or not--I liked it, but not enough to hang on the wall as an abstract painting. Something was missing but I didn't know quite what. I put it aside for a long time...almost two years before rediscovering it.

This was the finished abstract painting that eventually became the background for "Afraid to Try."

Dried paint was peeled off my craft mat and placed on a gessoed cardboard using matte medium.

These patches of dried acrylic paint became the background.

I rifled through my boxes and bins and discovered that the recycled paint skin painting was exactly the right size for the "afraid to try" stencil...serendipity! I grabbed my black ink, a cosmetic wedge, a mini dabber, and got to work. First, I put the words in the middle.

Next, I added designs on the left.

 

 I flipped the stencil over and finished the right side, mirroring the left.

I liked it so far, but thought it needed a little more. I decided it needed some kind of frame or finished edge.

I love the combination of bright colors with black and white patterns known as Zetti, so I pulled out some gingham fabric and black and white papers. I also considered some black and white painted lutradur that I had made a few years ago.

The brightly colored sari scrap corners matched, but the black and white painted lutradur sides overpowered the center design.

Some gold paper Dresden Medallions were tested in the corners.

I removed the Dresden stars and tried colored sari silk and a gingham diamond, but still didn't love the border.

The large harlequin border seemed too bold and overpowered the artwork. I liked the way the squares of silk sari scraps looked in the corner and matched the center piece though. I didn't have enough black and white gingham fabric so that was vetoed.

I decided finally to keep it simple, and cut some thin paper strips of a black and white diamond pattern, then glued it around the edges. That worked--the delicate diamonds didn't overpower the central image...the thin border finished the piece without fighting it.

   

Last, I decided to sharpen up some of the white areas, especially dark orange under the O in DO, which made the words a little hard to read. With white acrylic, I used a very small brush and enhanced the circular letters, the large shape under the words, and the centers of the cross-shaped designs.

This piece speaks to me in so many ways. The words reminds me of the times I beat fear, and forged ahead anyway even if I was afraid, especially with a decision to become an artist, to move to New York alone, and go back to school to study textile design. The designs surrounding the words remind me of fabric designs, my first art career. The colors are pure and clean, and remind me to be true to myself, to the colors I like and that make me happy. The whole piece reminds me to stifle my inner critic, to believe in myself, and to be true to the designs and ideas that resonate with me.

Making a New Journal With Deli Paper and Scraps

 This is the cover of the new accordion journal that I just finished making. The cover is made from recycled cardboard and painted deli paper. The Kurt Vonnegut quote on the bottom expresses the reason I feel compelled to do mixed media work in my journal...it lets the crazy energy out that might otherwise be trapped inside me and make me anxious, panicky and physically sick.

Last summer's class with Kelly Kilmer at the Ink Pad got me addicted to journaling and to making my own journals. I have beautiful journals that I have purchased or received as gifts that are too precious to use. I am always afraid of messing them up, and I also have my inner critic telling me that only fabulous work is worthy of the pages.

With a journal made from leftover cardboard and junk art that is too good to throw away but not good enough to hang on the wall, the voice of the inner critic is silenced. It also becomes very personal and really belongs to you.

Following the directions that Kelly gave to class participants, I made my third accordion journal recently. I love every aspect of the journal making...I love sewing, so that skill comes into play with sewing the signatures together. I love construction and cutting, so measuring and cutting the cardboard (from the backs of used-up legal pads) is right up my alley.

I rummaged through my pieces of painted deli paper for the cover, and used reject paintings for the accordion sections. The signatures were made with assorted colored cardstock I had on hand. I ran out of waxed linen to stitch it with, and couldn't find my big blunt needle with a huge eye, so I doubled dental floss and used an embroidery needle.

Here's how it came together:

I used two similar pieces of painted deli paper
and connected them using matte medium

I glued the cut cardboard pieces to the deli paper with
matte medium, then wrapped them around the edges.

I made signatures of folded cardstock (in a variety of colors) then stitched them to
a long, accordion-folded piece of hot pink paper, recycled from a poster



Here is the book opened and folded after the pieces were stitched

I didn't like the hot pink, so I covered it with reject mixed media paintings and
painted deli paper with printmaking experiments.

interior view of book

Another interior view of a deli paper covered accordion section

This is the old cover. The striped part is the back.
(silly me, I had it upside down when I took the photo!)
The front sectionwas lumpy and bumpy because I did not use enough matte medium
when I covered the cardboard with the painted deli paper. I tried and failed
twice to fix it, without success, so I just added a smaller piece of
another painted deli paper for the final cover.

This is the final journal, front and back, with the new cover. I can't wait to use it!